Things You Should Know About
Tofthall
in
Staffordshire
(known by the owners as Toft Hall)

(Please note that this was written in the Spring of 2006. It is possible that changes may have been made since that date.)

Recently I was very kindly invited by relatives to stay at a place called Toft Hall in Staffordshire in England.  I had a look at the house's Internet site at http://www.tofthall.co.uk and it sounded like a very comfortable and possibly rather grand self-catering house, suitable for large parties.  However, having stayed there I feel rather sorry for my kindly relatives on the basis that I believe that the description given on the Internet misled them and that the accommodation, far from being exceptional is at best quite ordinary and at worst staggeringly inaccessible.  It is also in my unqualified opinion possibly quite dangerous and I am obviously not alone because I know that the local fire brigade has received at least two complaints before about it.  If, having read this article, you want to stay at the house with all its concomitant 'features' then I hope you have a lovely time. However, I would not want you to be misled by the owners' advertising material and that is why I am publishing this review.

Description
Let us examine the description given on the house's Internet site.  Here is their text in blue with my comments in red...

Note: This picture is taken from the back garden and does not show the owners' house or the other holiday cottages that are within a few yards of the house.
The house is actually closer to the neighbours than our house in Surrey.

We aim to provide you with most blissful of breaks where you can leave the stresses of everyday life behind. If you want to unwind, chill out and do absolutely nothing, we can provide maid services and catering (having a Chef and waitresses in for a celebration meal is a very popular option). If you want an action packed break we can help you book activities from abseiling to yachting. If you fancy the idea of a spa break we can also arrange holistic and beauty therapists to pamper you and your friends. I have no complaints about this.  The owners seem to be keen that you enjoy yourselves - I guess so that you will come back!

The Hall is of the highest standard (this is complete rubbish - there is very little if anything inside of the highest standard) with modern facilities, such as the Smallbone kitchen (yes, it was probably very expensive but is hardly in keeping with the house and despite its obvious cost has many annoyances like a microscopic draining board (remember, there may be up to 21 people staying), a flat stone worksurface which creates pools of water all over the place because it never drains away and a cooker that is cunningly designed to burn your fingers when you try to change the heat settings) nestled within many original features such as (low) old oak beams, wattle and daub wall panels and a cruck frame. The exceptional accommodation (ha ha) offers you the perfect holiday for your family or group of up to 21 friends. (hmmmm)

Once the home of the High Sheriff of Staffordshire, 17th century Toft Hall (more rubbish - the real name of the house should be 'Tofthall' or 'Tofthall Farm' - if you don't believe me take a look at the 1:25,000 Ordnance Survey map.  Let's face it, the name 'Toft Hall' has been used by the owners to make the house sound posh - the house is clearly just an old farmhouse and all of the farm buildings are being or had been (at the time of writing) converted into accommodation.  Actually, the real Toft Hall is formerly the home of the Leycester family and is located about 25km to the north-west near Knutsford - occupied by various companies including one called Labware) is magnificently positioned (in a similar way to which the local petrol station is magnificently positioned), with stunning views for miles around (Not true, the views are good but only to the west or north-west.  The implication is that the views of the countryside are panoramic for 'miles around'.  The farm is actually on the side of a hill so you can only see in one basic direction). It is situated at the south western side of the Peak District. Approached down a long drive (sounds like Chatsworth doesn't it - actually the 'long drive' is just an old, pot-holed and muddy farm track), away from any roads, the Hall (remember, not 'Hall' but farmhouse - I wonder if this description was written by Mrs Bucket from Keeping up Appearances?) sits with 17th and 19th century barns (er, one of these 'barns' is the owners' house, the others are being converted into accommodation), with footpaths leading directly from the site (more like building site when we were there). Yet it is an excellent location for exploring so many wonderful places such as the towns of Buxton, Ashbourne and Bakewell (in my opinion, if you want to explore the Peak District pick a base further to the east - this house is right on the west side of the Peak District).

For outdoor enthusiasts it is possible to climb the Roaches, horse ride at Flash (the highest village in England), or fish, canoe, play golf or hire bikes locally. You may wish to visit the gardens at Biddulph Grange, Arley Hall or Tatton Park. Obviously, the Peak District has miles of lovely countryside on which it is now your legal ‘right to roam’ and to enjoy the wildlife (including the deer, barn owls and hares which are frequently spotted on our own land). We have football nets, badminton nets and barbeque facilities on site here.

Should the weather be unkind, there are also many things to see and do in the dry. For example, visit the Potteries and take a factory tour at Wedgwood or one of the other world famous brands, take a day to explore Chatsworth, or the many antique shops in Leek. Alternatively don’t even leave Toft Hall. We have a (slanted) games room, including table tennis, darts, air hockey, a music room and computer games console, with the accompanying music, DVD, books and games library.

Whether you come for a fortnight, a long weekend or a midweek break to celebrate a special occasion, Toft Hall will not disappoint. Call us on 01260 226609 or email tofthallenquiries@hotmail.com and let us arrange your blissful break. (That reminds me, there is no phone or Internet connection at the house and there is no wireless hotspot for tens of miles)

Accommodation
Toft Hall (Tofthall) can easily accommodate 21 people. (Provided half of them are pygmies - the only person in our party who could walk upright through all of the doors was my three year-old son - see picture below)
The ground floor accommodation is as follows:

The Sitting Room has the sort of squashy leather sofas, chairs and stools that you don’t (find in old houses, oops, sorry) want to get up from, for a dozen or more people. With wonderful views (through small windows) to the west and a door direct to the garden (wow!), in the summer the thick stone walls ensure that it is always cool, and in the winter the wood burning stove and thick curtains mean that you feel cosy and warm. (They don't mention the central heating here which for some of the rooms is very good, for others it is unfortunately overpowering because the control system doesn't work properly) There is also a selection of DVD films for all ages. A very large book selection can be found here as well as a variety of board games. (Yes, their books and DVDs etc. were very good - an excellent selection)

The unique wood and stone kitchen, is handmade by Smallbone (see above for my feelings about this!). This has everything that you need in a home away from home (yes, I'd mostly agree with this). A built in microwave combination oven and two additional ovens will cater for the largest of meals. The hob is an induction hob – thereby lessoning the danger if you have small children about. It also contains a washer/dryer and dishwasher and a huge American Maytag Fridge freezer (with plenty of room to chill those bottles and ice on tap!). The equipment is of the highest standard and includes just about everything you can think of (from apple corers to hot water bottles). If you need anything else, just ask (we once had a request for a heart shaped cake tin) - often we are able to help you out. (yes, there's loads of stuff there but certainly not enough cutlery for 21 people)

There is a door leading off the Smallbone kitchen is a secondary Kitchen. This kitchen also has a double oven, microwave, dishwasher, fridge, separate freezer and washing machine and again, comes equipped with the highest quality equipment. It also has a table to seat up to 6 people. (It is sometimes used to cook a meal for younger children whilst in the main kitchen preparations are underway for a ‘posh grown up meal’.)

Off this kitchen is a Boot Room/Entrance Lobby. This provides all the space you need for your coats, walking boots and any sporting equipment that you may have brought with you to get the most out of your stay.

Leading off the Kitchen and Sitting Room is the Dining Room, which is richly decorated in a deep red, with delicate (poor) lighting and an exposed stone wall, it is especially designed for evening use. One large table can seat up to 21 (the problem is that they have had to squeeze in such a large (modern) dining table that it is difficult to walk around the outside of it.  This means that everything has to be passed around the table - it's too wide to pass things across it). Just add fresh flowers from the garden, good food and wine and this is the perfect place for those special evenings in with friends. (Don’t forget to enquire about having Chef and waitresses in to prepare and serve an unique meal for you.)

The Music Room (lovely posh name conjuring up visions of a piano and music stand for little Johnny with his violin - actually it's just a small sitting room) has comfortable seating for eight and a very good quality hi-fi system (no, it's not a B&O - it's just a normal stereo), so you can party loudly (with walls (on some sides) 2 foot 6 inches thick you can sing to your heart’s content!). It also contains a large selection of CD’s (these are mostly party mixes – you may well wish to bring your own personal favourites too). With a cream carpet and gold silk curtains, this is a room for the grown ups to escape into.  (This is the best room in the house.  It is really cosy and it's a shame that the rest of the house isn't as nice.  The CD collection is light on the classical side but this is a small point.  The decoration of the windows is poor and if they're not careful the wood will rot - again, a small point)

The Snug. This small room contains an Xbox game console and games (so those who are mad on these activities can play long into the night, without disturbing those who prefer other pastimes).  (Good for kids)

The Games Room contains a variety of games for the energetic (or competitive) including; table tennis, darts, table football and air hockey.  (This is just an old and very cold - when we were there - garage which has a ridiculously slanted floor meaning that it is hard to play the table games provided in a fair or realistic fashion)

The Bedrooms
Upstairs all the bedrooms are furnished with luxury furniture (these people have clearly not stayed at Claridges), new comfortable beds and rich fabrics. Every room has a wardrobe or hanging space as well as a dressing table or chest of drawers and side tables. There are lots of spare pillows and blankets to suit every guest’s preference. With the exception of the single bedroom, all are spacious enough to add a cot, should this be required. (bearing in mind the appalling access, note that they are implying that nine more people, i.e. babies in cots, could also be accommodated raising the total theoretical number of people that can be accommodated in this house to 30!)

Every bedroom has its own unique style. Most have beams and other architectural features such as shutters or wattle and daub panelling. Interestingly, we find guests rarely agree on which they consider to be the ‘master bedroom’ (I suspect that everyone in our party knew which was the master bedroom!), everyone having their on personal favourites!

On the first floor there are six bedrooms and two bath/shower rooms;
Three doubles (one of these can be made into a twin),
One twin,
One quad family room
and One single.

The exit to the west stairs from the first floor centre bedroom can be locked from the outside with a latch and there is no possible way of unlocking it from the inside.  I was caught out by this when my five year-old daughter locked me in.  This could potentially limit someone's escape route in an emergency.  Also, many of the ultra-low power torches which have been provided to assist escape in the event of an emergency were not working, presumably because the batteries had not been checked before the accommodation was handed to us.  In any case, in a fire I would not have wanted to reply on fighting through smoke with such puny torches.

On the second floor are four bedrooms and three bathrooms:
Two double bedrooms, sharing a bathroom with an antique sitz bath.
Twin bedroom and ensuite bath/shower room
and through to a Quad bedroom with ensuite bathroom with an antique roll top bath.

Please note that because Toft Hall is very old, and a listed building, the doorways into these bedrooms are very low (despite the ceiling heights inside the rooms being very high). Should you have infirm members of your party we recommend that they sleep in the first floor bedrooms.  (This is the only warning they give of the unbelievably low door heights to some of the bedrooms.  They make absolutely no attempt to show you how low the entrances are.)

Please telephone us if you have any questions regarding the accommodation. All rooms are centrally heated, with the exception of the Games Room, which has an electric heater.

The Gardens
The beautiful (quite small) south facing gardens (the plural of garden is used here to make it sound big) are enclosed on two sides by the original high stone wall, with rose arbour, herb garden, wildlife pond (parents of young children need to supervise them here – although it is fenced in to prevent any accidents) and breathtaking views for miles. There is a barbeque, children’s play house and lots of garden furniture to enjoy.

To the front of the Hall (farmhouse) is a courtyard with two barns (sounds idyllic - see pictures for a more accurate idea of what you're getting) nestled to the north and south.

Car Parking
There is ample free car parking on site (I love this Freudian slip.  You would never describe your house as a 'site').

Now let's see what I'm talking about with some pictures and notice how their picture gallery curiously fails to include almost all of the rooms shown below...

Yes, believe it or not, this door (next to which my three year-old son is standing) is the entrance to two double bedrooms and a bathroom!  Look through that door and you see another cat-flap, sorry microscopic door on the right which leads to a double bedroom...

There are lots of doors like these.

My son appears to be impressed with this luxurious bath!  This is not a trick of the camera angle, it really is that short and certainly shorter than him!

Other views of the 'magnificent' accommodation.  Your eyes do not deceive you - these pictures were taken from normal eye-level.  How can this accommodation be deemed fit for use by the public.  Yes, they do mention on the website that the doors are low but remember, the implication is that during a fire you could be carrying a baby through this maze!  I thought it looked more like an Army assault course.

Here is a typical example of what the owners describe as facilities of the "highest standard".  A bath that anyone over about 5'10" can't stand up in with a cheap electric shower (you know the type) that has about as much water coming out if it as a dripping tap.  One of the showers was not even connected when we were there.  Not very impressive.

Potentially a nice room spoiled by a ghastly modern bed.

This is the farmhouse...

...but what they didn't say on the website is that all these other buildings are either lived in or being worked on by builders to turn them into accommodation...

A blissful scene

The builders whose choice of radio station was quite modern. Okay, I know the builders wouldn't normally be there - but there would be another resident.

The games room - unfortunately the pictures doesn't show you how the floor tilts

This is the expensive hob - when you're cooking and try to touch those touch-sensitive buttons you burn your fingers - not very clever!

And finally, I'm sorry to say that the house is absolutely crammed full of nasty bits like this.  Here the (obviously completely unskilled) person who fitted this door furniture used a door knob (to make it look posh and old-fashioned) whereas a lever should have been used with this size/type of mechanism the end result being you can't open the door without hurting your knuckles.  Cheap and tacky and particularly stupid on a fire exit.

That's it.  If you think I have been factually incorrect about any of the above, please contact me at nigel @fraserker.com

2	Cosy Nook, Ivydene, Rushton Spencer, Macclesfield, Cheshire / Staffordshire border: ~ England Sleeps: 2 +travelcot. Well behaved pets welcome. Low season £110-£170 per wk. High season £170-£265 per wk.

3	Stable Cottage, Elkstones, Nr. Buxton, Derbyshire / Staffordshire border: ~ England Sleeps 2/3. Pet by arrangement. ETC: 3 Stars. Prices £185 - £260 pw. Out of season short breaks.

4

Robin's Barn Cottage and Swallows Barn Cottage, Moorland View Farm, Bromley Edge Lane, Winkhill, Staffordshire / Derbyshire border: ~ England Robin's sleeps 5. Swallows sleeps 2. Cot available. Sorry no pets. No smoking. Robin's Barn Cottage: Low season £180 pw. High season £350 pw. Swallow's Barn Cottage: Low season £120 pw. High season £230 pw.

5	The Old Post Office, Sugar Street, Rushton Spencer, Cheshire / Staffordshire border: ~ England Sleeps 5. Sorry, no pets. No smoking. Low season £210 - £250 pw. High season £290 - £380 pw.

6	Candy Cottage, Upper Cadlow Farm, Winkhill, Leek, Staffordshire: ~ England Sleeps 5 +cot. Sorry no pets. No Smoking. ETC: 4 Stars. Low season £195-£275 per wk. High season £295-£395 per wk.

7	Lockwood Hall Farm, Lockwood Road, Kingsley Holt, Stoke on Trent, Staffordshire: ~ England Sleeps 6 +cot. Sorry no pets. No smoking. ETC: 4 Stars. Price range £285 - £445 pw.

8	Ancestral Barn & Church Farm Cottage, Church Farm, Stanshope, Nr Alstonefield, Ashbourne, Dovedale, Peak District National Park, Derbyshire: ~ England Two units sleeping 2 - 4 +cot, and 2 - 6 +cot. Pets with owners permission. ETC: 4 - 5 Stars. Low season £345 - £485 pw. High season £520 - £695 pw.

9	Blackshaw Grange, Blackshaw Moor, Nr Leek, Staffordshire: ~ England Sleeps: 3 - 6 + cot. Well behaved pets welcome. ETC: 3 to 4 Star. Low season £160-£220 per wk. High season £220-£400 per wk.

10

The Coach House and Gateham Cottage, Gateham Grange, Alstonefield, Ashbourne, Dovedale, Peak District National Park, Derbyshire: ~ England Coach House sleeps 4 (+bunk beds). Gateham Cottage sleeps 4 (+sofabed). Cot available. Pets welcome but only by prior arrangement. Coach House 4 Stars. Gateham Cottage 3 Stars. Coach House £160 - £400 pw. Gateham Cottage £150 - £340 pw.

11	Rowan House, Tythe Barn, Alton, Peak District, Staffordshire: ~ England Sleeps 8 (+1 on Z-bed). Cot available. Sorry, no pets. No smoking. Prices £450 - £800 pw. Short breaks and weekends from £350.

12	The Stable and The Cartshed, Clough Head Farm, Ipstones, Staffordshire Moorlands / Peak District: ~ England Sleeps 10 in total (2 properties together). Pets welcome. ETC: 3 star. Low season £160 - £210 pw. High season £242 - £340 pw.

13

Dove Farm Cottages, Dove Farm, Mill Lane, Off Dove St, Ellastone, Ashbourne, Derbyshire / Staffordshire border: ~ England Sleeps up to 18 (3 cottages with 16 bedspaces as standard + sofabed or guest beds). 2 cots available. Dogs by arrangement only. No smoking. ETC: 4 Star. Flat rates throughout the year: £285 - £450 per cottage pw. Weekend breaks £925.